How to Become a Pronto-pooper

    Don't let the heading alarm you. I promise not to totally disgust with raunchy bathroom humor. Unless, of course, you have no sense of humor at all. I haven't posted anything for a while because it has become difficult to find the humor in my own life. I was reminded to do so today. As a wife and home schooling mother, losing your sense of humor can be down right dangerous.

    The following will be a brief tutorial on how to become the type of person that never seems to actually use the bathroom when they are in there. In and right back out. The kind of person that makes you wonder if they washed their hands. They were just too quick for them to have possibly practiced proper bathroom procedures. If you have ever wanted to become a bathroom ninja, I would advise you to pay attention. I am about to reveal my own personal journey to (nearly) becoming a pronto-pooper.

    Step 1: Decide that paying ridiculous prices for rent for the rest of your life has no appeal to you and realizing that wanting to paint your walls a neon green might actually be a cry for help from the recesses of your creative soul that is tired of looking at the white walls of the over priced place you are renting. (It would be my personal recommendation that neon green may not be the best choice of color, no matter how desperate you are. It may induce seizures. Please take that from someone that once decided that her room would look best in tangerine orange with canary yellow sponge painted over it. Add neon green shelving to the mix and I had a room that was a head trip from the moment you entered the door. ) 

    Step 2: Look for an affordable place to buy with cash and fix up to officially become home owners. (This step only applies to those that all other previous life choices have made them crazy enough to attempt this step.) Buy what is affordable and within the budget to fix. Even if it is a smaller space and only has one bathroom. Less is the new more, right?

    Step 3: Move in with someone else and put your family of 4 into one room and all of your possessions in storage for 2 months while you wait for everything to be ready to move into the new place since the previous lease ran out before it was ready. This is the critical part where you tell the kids it's an adventure and lie to yourself that things will get better soon. Do not allow the voice of reason to get to you when it says that all of those fights over the bathroom will always be there because you will only have one bathroom in your new home. If you allow this kind of thinking, you may just chicken out and never attain bathroom ninja status. 

    Step 4: Move into your new home and invite every stomach bug coming and going into your new digs so that everyone can fight over who gets to use the bathroom first and which one needs to go the "baddest." Hear the words "hurry up", "I really need to go bad", and "I'm going to pee on myself" until you hear all of it in your sleep. 

    Step 5: Decide that as part of your health and fitness goals you must drink lots and lots of water. This is critical. Run to the bathroom every 30 minutes.

    After you have completed all of these steps, there will be a test. Mine was today. I woke up and every time I had to go to the bathroom, so did someone else. I heard "hurry up" more times than I ever want to hear again in my lifetime. Today also happened to be my son's 5th birthday. I left the kids with their dad and went to pick up the cupcakes and balloons. While at the store, I had to pee again. Thank you water. This, however, was the first time I have ever been excited to go to the bathroom. One of the perks of being a mom is that you never get to go to the bathroom by yourself. Even at home. When they are no longer little enough to hang on your knee while you are on the toilet, you may just be lucky enough to have a dog or cat, or in my case, a dog and 2 cats, sit and stare at you. After not being able to shut the bathroom door all day, I got excited at the prospect of being able to just sit there for a second. take my time and really scrub my hands good and enjoy just being able to do so without worrying that if I wasn't fast enough someone would pee on themselves. I get to the bathrooms and there is a guy standing there with a cleaning cart. He gives me a look and tells me to "hurry up." I ran into the bathroom and didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I couldn't even leave the house and go to a public restroom with at least 8 other toilets and not be told to hurry up. I didn't find the humor until much later. 

    I have said all of this to proudly announce that I can now claim bathroom ninja status. I can go in, pee, take 20 seconds to wash my hands and be back out of the bathroom in under 40 seconds. I have yet to attain pronto-pooper status, but if you follow my tips you may be able to reach your goal. (If you have such a goal.) 

    I realize that I am crazy and proudly proclaim that that being crazy is much more fun. ;-)

Be Blessed,

Maygan